Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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