I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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