the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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