The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
