Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
