don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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