Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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