note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
