So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We were destined to go to rehab together
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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