my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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