the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
