you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
