i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
