True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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