i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
honey bunches of taint.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
