Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you would pick up someone in the library
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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