I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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