All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
