I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
