you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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