Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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