Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
