You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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