dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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