Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i came on her dog
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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