When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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