Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
