She is in my trunk
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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