What a fucking waste of an outfit
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I wear drunk well.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
