I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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