I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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