Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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