you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
