I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
