so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
