I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
