If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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