You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
