I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well I just put wine in my tea
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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