she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
