The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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