Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Say something about gay babies.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
