My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
