I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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