Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I met the friendliest cop last night
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
