I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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