He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
