They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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