2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
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