and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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