come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
