Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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