I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
