Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
